I admit I am probably not on a psychic's top 10 favourite people to walk through their door. Not because I am intent on exposing their art as fiction, but because I lack the common neuroses that normally drive individuals into their curtained centre of operation. I am unplagued by relationships past, feel good about my job and positive about the future. Plus, I went with a close friend and comparing your secret and private fortune is hardly to be encouraged. However, it was the combination of all these good vibes that made the prospect of visiting a psychic while in New York City a truly humorous and enticing prospect.The sign outside the door advertised a reading for $10. Of course, once inside, we were told that this was only for a face reading of your personality and really what we wanted was a palm reading for $25 or, more likely, a tarot card reading for $65 and probably a crystal ball gazing for a couple of hundred. We originally opted for the palm reading but eventually allowed ourselves to be talked into a combined offer for palm + tarot cards.
My palm, I was told, predicted a long life and a happy one. It portrayed me as a cheerful, kind individual who said things to people's face and not to their backs. Well, flattery will get you everywhere and I am blogging; I say things to everyone's face. In the world. I was also told this would get me into trouble and wondered vaguely if this resulting post would cause me to be sued.
We then moved on to the tarot cards. To my disappointment, my psychic did not read the cards per se, rather she placed them face up on the table and claimed to "draw energy" from them to give me my fortune. This was the point when I started seriously disappointing the poor woman.
Attempt #1:
"I see there is a past relationship that you cannot stop thinking about. Who is that man?"
"Um. Well, I don't actually know. My last relationship finished a while ago and I really wasn't that bothered."
Attempt #2:
"You wake up feeling very lethargic and you feel you have made bad decisions in the past."
".... Not really. I'm really pleased with the way my career is going and the changes that have happened.... I woke up slightly hungover this morning?"
The woman's eyes narrowed. No love issues, no career issues. A happy, optimistic customer. This lead to really only one obvious conclusion...
Attempt #3:
"I sense someone is very jealous of you. I see a woman with black hair."
My eyes slid to the right. I couldn't help but notice that the other psychic had black hair. Still, I did know one person who was pretty irritated at me for no decipherable reason. She doesn't have black hair, but you know, it was a good try and I was impressed by the logic: Your life seems to rock. Therefore someone probably hates you. It could be me or my friend over there.
At the end, I was allowed to ask two questions of the cards. I scratched my head:
Q: "I travel a lot. Do you see me ever settling down?"
A: "Yes, I do. But not this year. This year is a good one for travel."
Good line to throw at the girl with the British accent in New York. I had to give her some credit for using her head.
Q: "Do you see me getting married?"
Well, doesn't everyone ask that question?
A: "I see you meeting your life partner in 2 - 3 years from now."
2 - 3 years? Well, there's no point in dating anyone I've met recently then.
A: "You will also have three children and be very happy."
.... Three?!
In the back of the room behind a curtained partition a small boy starting screaming his lungs out. The psychic turned to bellow at him to shut up.
.... Happy?!
I shifted in my seat. As we drew to a close, the woman told me she wanted to give me a stone. By "give" I mean "sell at an exorbitant price". Apparently, I was lacking amethyst in my life and I should keep a stone close by me at all time to give me energy and protect against jealousy. I should also tell no one about it.
.... Oops.
I was sceptical and declined. She dropped the price. This protection, she insisted, was essential. I lifted an eyebrow and turned to my friend who was also just finishing.
"Have you just been offered a stone?"
"Yes. I was thinking no."
Psychic: "How about just $10 for the stone?"
I considered it. "Well it would make a cool souvenir."
My psychic looked askance, but the other one smiled and agreed. In the end we gave in and I purchased a small lump of amethyst, my friend a rose stone. We then took them over to a jewellery making shop in Brooklyn and turned them into pendants. Were we ripped off? Of course! These stones cost about a $1 on the street. Do we have the most awesome memento of our crazy psychic trip? Yes. Yes we do.
Psychic reading: $45
Protective stone: $10
Memento of crazy psychic trip with childhood friend: Priceless
As we wound wire around our rocks, my friend and I compared our futures. They were incredibly similar. Clearly we were really twins separated at birth.
In conclusion, my friend declared: "This trip has saved me so much money!"
I stopped winding wire and looked up. "Saved?!"
"Yeah. She said I was to have two boys. I only want a girl, so there's no point in having kids at all. They would have cost me loads!"
JFK airport when I finally ended my trip was in carnage. I collected my boarding pass to discover yet again, I still didn't have a seat. But this time, THIS TIME, I had an amythst power necklace. What could possibly go wrong?